


43 – “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

by esprityror



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: 3x16, 3x16 prediction, M/M, Tumblr Prompts, ngl this was painful to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-30
Updated: 2019-03-30
Packaged: 2019-12-26 13:18:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,144
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18283091
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/esprityror/pseuds/esprityror
Summary: “You can take my strength you know,” He murmured quietly, against Magnus’ hand. “Take what you need, you can take it all if it means that you’ll open your eyes.”





	43 – “Squeeze my hand if you can hear me.”

This wasn’t right. None of this was right. The way the screen behind him beeped and flashed, displaying words that he never wanted to read. The way Jace, Isabelle and Clary, even Simon were dancing around him carefully as if he was a bomb about to go off. The way Catarina kept entering and leaving the room as if she wasn’t quite sure what to do with herself, worry etched across her face. The way Magnus’ hand felt heavy and cold, bare of the nail polish and rings that usually adorned them. The way that Magnus was lying there, still and unresponsive, face bare of make-up and hair flopped in front of his face, his skin pale, almost as if he was fading away.

No. Not one single part of this was right.

The coldness was the thing that unsettled Alec the most. Before Magnus had lost his magic his skin seemed to constantly buzz with electricity and was always warm to the touch. After it lacked the buzz and seemed slightly cooler to the touch, but still seemed to find a way to warm Alec anyway. But now there was no buzz, no warmth, as Alec grasped Magnus’ hand between his; just a cold dead weight that made Alec feel like he was being dragged down, down, down to someplace never-ending. 

Alec shifted in his chair, taking a deep breath in a poor attempt to ease the fear he felt inside, but instead of coming out steady it shook as he exhaled and he tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to flood out and never stop. He drew Magnus’ hand to his lips pressing a small kiss there, desperately trying to ground himself. He had to be strong for Magnus when he was in such a situation where he seemed so weak.

“You can take my strength you know,” He murmured quietly, against Magnus’ hand. “Take what you need, you can take it all if it means that you’ll open your eyes.”

He thought back to the first time Magnus took his hand, the energy that flowed between them, the way they didn’t let go when Magnus slumped down against Alec’s chest.

Alec squeezed his eyes shut at them memory, as if trying to shut out the feelings that came with it. When Magnus took his hand that night, he pulled him down a path that Alec couldn’t have turned back from even if he wanted to.

The amount of times Magnus had taken Alec’s hand and pulled him along further and further down that path. Magnus gently taking his beaten and bloody hand and healing him, pressing a small kiss to his knuckles after the demon attack on the institute and Jocelyn’s death. Magnus dragging him down a street in Tokyo and pulling him into a photo booth. Their hands laced together the morning after their first time together. That dreadful day when they were fighting but Magnus was still there holding Alec’s hand in comfort as he worried for the life of his little brother just outside the very room that Magnus was lying in now.

Magnus had saved him. With every moment they laced their fingers together in both comfort and passion, every time Magnus had squeezed his hand in reassurance or traced patterns onto the back of Alec’s hand as they lay in bed together. Magnus had saved him.

And now, with Magnus’ cold hand clasped in his, Alec couldn’t save him.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, his voice cracking, “I’m so, so sorry.”

He paused at the sound of footsteps from the corridor but they passed on by without interruption.

Alec grasped Magnus’ hand tighter and stared at his boyfriend as he lay there motionless.

“This is my fault,” he continued, raw emotion clear in his voice. “If it wasn’t for me then you would’ve never traded your magic to save Jace’s life, so I wouldn’t have to kill him. If it wasn’t for me then you would’ve never gone to Edom and had to face your father again. If it wasn’t for me you would’ve never felt so desperate to have to go to Lorenzo. If it wasn’t for me then you wouldn’t be lying here now.”

Tears were falling down his face now, landing on the hospital sheets with the softest of thuds.

“I’m so sorry Magnus; I- I don’t know how to save you. You’ve saved me so many times in- in so many different ways and I- I can’t-”

He broke off and let out a choked sob.

“I need you Magnus,” he whispered. “I can’t live without you, I need you. We still have so much life to live. We still have to move in together and get you your own walk-in closet.”

He managed a small smile then at the thought of it. How Magnus had looked so happy at the thought just seconds before everything got blown to hell.

“We still need to do that,” he continued. “That and so much more. So much more Magnus. We need to unite the Shadow World together and take down corrupt leaders, do some good, change all the Clave’s unjust laws. We need to be the Shadow World’s most amazing power couple.”

He let out the slightest of chuckles, before pausing and taking in the sight of Magnus, his gaze trailing over every single one of Magnus’ features and he couldn’t help but think how, even like this, he was the most beautiful person he’d ever seen.

“We still need to get married.”

Not tearing his gaze from Magnus for one second, he continued.

“I still need to marry you, Magnus. Be your husband, one day have kids, live our lives. Together.”

More tears began to fall from his eyes again and he closed them again, taking another deep breath.

“But first more than anything Magnus, I need you to wake up. Just open your eyes and look at me, just squeeze my hand if you can hear me Magnus, anything. Right now I need that from you more than anything.”

He stopped and looked at him, waiting as if by some kind of miracle it would actually happen. But nothing did. The monitor continued to beep, the words “critical condition” staring down at him, branding themselves into his brain. Magnus’ eyes stayed shut and his hand remained cold and heavy, clutched between Alec’s, slightly damp from his tears. Nothing happened, nothing changed.

“Please,” Alec choked out, as his body began to shake with his tears. “Please Magnus wake up. Just wake up.”

Magnus just lay there, his only movement his chest moving up and down slowly as he breathed. His hand slipped from Alec’s grasp as he sobbed and landed with a heavy thud against the mattress and Alec felt like his entire world had been ripped out of his chest.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on Tumblr @ magnusalxander


End file.
